Santa replied, "Ho, ho, ho Santa's gotta go got to deliver presents to all the children you know."
The woman slid one side of her teddy off and asked Santa again, "Can you stay Santa?"
Once again Santa said, "Ho, ho, ho Santa's gotta go gotta deliver presents to all the children you know."
The woman took the rest of the teddy off, and asked him again, "Santa can you stay now?"
Santa replied, "Ho, ho, ho Santa's gotta stay cant go up the chimney with my dick this way".
Thanx To www.zooass.com
A: They go into town and blow a few bucks.
Thanx To www.zooass.com
A: Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.
Thanx To www.zooass.com
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile."
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit.
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a BITCH!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise". She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
Thanx To Earnie
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken." Thanx To www.zooass.com
His Letters Honestly - Part I
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older
brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the baby-sitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who
rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation,a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa Thanx To Dan
His Letters Honestly - Part II
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself
silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey,you wanted to know.
Santa Thanx To Dan
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names."
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Thanx To www.zooass.com
His Letters Honestly - Part III
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiny begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
For Your Gifts
A hellatious "CONGRATULATIONS" to Joe, who has lost an amazing 220 pounds since right before the 9th Annual Fish Fry & Clam Dip Throw! Go Joe!
Dan has moved from Haiti to the Dominican Republic. He is married with three children - a baby boy, a 2 yr girl, and a 5 yr girl. He notes that it is the same island, but with a better economy and tourism.
at Griff's in South Charleston, WV the Friday after Thanksgiving for what is becoming a yearly HHC event. Issues discussed included "Beer is Good" and "Yeger Bombs need to be Chugged"
(or several)
Still conjuring up participants in HHC's road trip to New Orleans. Many have expressed interest, but the proof will come in February...
To this I say, "Give it a rest already". And yes, I did say "hillbilly" earlier. I have that right, having been born and lived my entire life in West "By God" Virginia.
Want to know what makes us look like hicks? We do. We are hicks, hillbillies, "sons of the soil", whatever. All the ruckus raised about the proposed CBS series and several other instances where we protested any "unfair" usage of our culture makes us look worse than the actual representation ever could.
Anytime I watch the news and a local is interviewed, I can always hear that WV twang. While the interviewers themselves (some even from here) seem to have managed to adopt a "standard US dialect", almost anyone else seems to speak in a hillbilly drawl. I have caught myself doing even more of a drawl while speaking to others when I'm out of town (especially after the third beer).
Why is it that we take such offense? Is it really that horrible to be considered a hillbilly? Is there some sort of malicious stigma attached to Appalachian culture? Are we that ashamed of ourselves and our neighbors?
To CBS, I say "Go for it". It seems like one of the more interesting ideas proposed for these "reality shows". I would actually be interested to see what happends with what is a classic "fish-out-of-water" situation.
To the nay-sayers, I'd say "Chill out!". Keep in mind two other TV hillbillies, Andy Griffith & Jed Clampett. While they were assumed to be idiotic country bumkins, they were always much wiser than percieved, a situation that baffled and defeated their antagonists.
Wouldn't we all be better off if we were a little more like Andy & Jed? Doug
Chock Full of Holiday Stuff,
.... And all the usual crap.
Larry, Ken, Tammy, Earnie, www.zooass.com, & more
He only comes once a year, and that's down a chimney.
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