Sure, there is something else about working to appreciate - a paycheck. Oddly enough, mine is never enough, as I continue to spend more than I can afford. But it beats nothing at all, or some pittance from the government. Like I've said to my co-workers many times - If everything we did at work was fun, they wouldn't be paying us to be here.
There is also another benefit - socializing. If it weren't for going to work, how often would I get out of the house? You can make friends of your co-workers, vilify your bosses, and meet new people. Sure, there are going to be a lot of idiots you run into, but that just adds to your entertainment. What say we look into this deeper, as we delve into - "The Joys Of The Workplace". Doug
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
Do I look like a people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.
Thanx To Bill Garcelon
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."
And at that point, the proctologist fainted.
http://www.netfunny.com
"How do you think you will do that?" said the blond.
He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, hanging upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb" answered the man ..
"I think you need some time off," said the boss.
So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. The blonde began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going?
"Home," she answered, "I can't work in the dark". Thanx To Tammy Stuck
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you & do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not.
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson?
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson?
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there
in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson?
1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! Thanx To Ken Bryant
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems necessary.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us
Thanx To Dave Workman
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages car pooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, 3M Corp.)
6. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)
7. "Quote from the Boss: 'Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.'" (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. "My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, 'That would be better for me.'" (Shipping executive, FTD
Florists)
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. "We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
11. "One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said 'If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!'" (New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
12. "As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked
the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper." (Taco Bell Corporation)
Thanx To Holly Schultz
2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail,calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you will get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
6. Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and during public holidays.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.
8. Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc...you can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.
9. Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
10. MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!
A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
If at first you don't succeed...
try management.
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent
slacker.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you
probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the
situation.
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings ...they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large
groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Succeed in spite of management.
I was getting my bi-weekly soul washing at a jump-about kind of church last week. I think they were Presleytarians or something. I got there late and had to squeeze in next to a real angel. Her name was Hope, and I gotta tell ya, I was hoping for some piece, love and understanding! Can I get an Amen? We were about twenty minutes into the book of Abrasions when I leaned over and asked Hope a question.
I said, "Would you like to go to 'The Passion' with me?"
"Yes, I would like that." Hope replied.
So I said, "Great! I'll pick you up early so we can get a bite to eat and maybe see a movie first."
Well, next thing I know I'm laying out where the groom walks his green mile. I'm not sure what happened. All I can figure is I must've been messing with the priest hole or something.
I think I'll try a Methadonite church next. I hear they're high on love giving.
Matt
So if your interested in reading about my time partying it up down in "The Big Easy" for four days leading up to the final feastivities on Fat Tuesday -
FROM: The boss
DATE: August 3, 2000
RE: Foul Language
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who are easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to
do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way!
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with . . .
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me
sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you
boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Bite me.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting?
TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a fucking prick.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck are you doing?
Thanx To Holly Schultz
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON... you get three meals a day;
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay
for it.
IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior;
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you;
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the
doors for yourself.
IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games;
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON... you get your own toilet;
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON... they allow your family and friends to visit;
AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the tax-payers with no work
required;
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON... you spend most of your life looking through bars from
inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.
IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens;
AT WORK...they are called managers.
IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.
IN PRISON....... there are a few that might wanna screw you
AT WORK ....... they all wanna screw you
Thanx To Earnie James & Ken Bryant
other e-mischief
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